A sincere reader wrote the following asking for advice,
I came back to China and I don’t know what has happened. I try to lower my gaze and I do but I still get to see faces and half naked bodies. I swear that I have never felt such attraction in my life. I cannot understand why.
I am seen as a pious person who has a lot of control on nafs. And that was exactly what I also used to think (may Allah swt forgive my insolence). I often used to joke about that I cannot be attracted to Chinese girls. (May Allah swt forgive me). But now what I suffer from is “yellow fever”. Haram fantasizing is pretty common. Then recently, something really unfortunate has happened I am not porn addict ( May Allah swt preserve me) but somehow from one click to another click I ended up watching some explicit (faahash) videos featuring Asian/Chinese looking models. This went on for 3 days. Infact I even forgot that I was fasting and had to make qadha for that later. (Edited)
The following response was sent. May Allah make it beneficial for me and all others,
As Salamu alaykum wrwb
Please, be reminded that the only way to stop from sinful activities is himmat, firm determination and using self control.
Three things help in developing this himmat.
1. Company of the pious. If that is not possible then reading about their life, malfuzaat etc is of help.
2. Dua. Asking Allah for help. Crying and telling Him one’s bad state and showing extreme humility and begging. Repeatedly.
3. Setting up a penalty for involvement in sinful. Four rakat nafil salah for repentance and skipping a meal altogether and/or making charity contribution (sadaqa).
Following steps will assist further inshaAllah,
Be wise and stop using Internet completely in private. Use it only for essential things and that even in public or when others are around.
Also, stay in state of wudhu all the time.
If you have a Shaykh inform him.
InshaAllah with these measures things will improve.
However if you take it lightly and do not realize then remember that this sinful activity is spiritually fatal.
Muhtaj e dua
Assalamu alaykum wrwb
wa alaykum as salam wrwb
I have more or less the same problem. I am an unmarried teenager. I am not a porn addict Alhamdulillah.
The spiritual mentor has to make this diagnosis. The sick person can not make his/her own daignosis.
I follow daily mamoolaat and keep company of the pious and try to act on deen.
However, sometimes I get aroused i.e. feel need of a spouse and I get to see some wrong stuff while searching randomly on internet. I do not see any one’s satar (private parts) or face of any non-mehram but anyways it arouses shahwat and I end up getting fingered (khud lazzati) which if I don’t, it constantly occupies my mind and the desire keeps distracting me.
I swear I hate this and I want to get rid of this. I want to become pure. I don’t want to watch or do anything that is slightly unpleasing to Allah swt. I always pray that Allah swt give and satisfy me through halaal.
Alhumdulillah. This is a great blessing of Allah.
When I commit such a sin, I am aware of the sin and feel shameful and right after it I become depressed that why at all I commited this sin? Then I always cry out to Allah swt, make istighfar, offer salat ul Tawbah, make dua and make firm decison that I will not do it again ever and seek Allah swt’s help in this regard.
That is the correct way.
I have also read posts on this website regarding this problem. But despite all this, after every few weeks or months, I do this again. Please advise me what should I do in order to make a strong taalluq with Allah swt and refrain from sins always. I am very weak and deficient.
I am writing this to you anonymously because I am not in a position to explain this to my mentor whom I take islah from.
The part made in bold is the main problem.
By doing so we commit many major mistakes. These include,
1. Breach of the contract of islah by hiding issues that need islah
2. Portraying an image of piety to the mentor whereas in reality sins are being committed repeatedly
3. Assuming that our mentor will look down on us or tell others
4. Incorrect self diagnosis and treatment.
5. Justification of sinful (as you say “which if I don’t, it constantly occupies my mind and the desire keeps distracting me”). This is deadly and Allah bachaay can lead to kufr.
6. Due to not informing the mentor nothing is being done to stop this completely. Like setting up a penalty or early marriage etc.
Please Hazrat don’t refuse to guide me.
Highly in need of your guidance and dua.
Heartfelt dua is made.
However, being a smart person you should remind yourself that dua is helpful only when all other effort is done correctly.
Masha-Allah you are doing better than others, however, there is still room for improvement.
A Distressed Seeker
muhtaj e dua
Assalamu alaykum wrwb
JazakAllahu khayra Hadrat.
Is it jaiz for a woman to explain such issues to her mentor? Is it against haya?
wa alaykum as salam wrwb
The islahi relationship between females and a Shaykh MUST be completely anonymous. Moreover a mehram relative MUST have the access to this correspondence if needed.
Provided these conditions are met, it should be conveyed in the most ba-haya way. isharatun wa kinyatun. The mentor will pick up the clues and instruct as needed without asking the details.