A seeker wrote,
I am writing in regards to a very serious problem that I reported earlier too. I am feel extremely ashamed to write about this but I have to disclose the gravity of the issue in detail.
This feeling, discussion and attempt to improve a destructive condition is in itself a huge blessing of Allah. This is what they call ‘kibreyet-e-ahmar‘ the red sulphur. That is the alchemy compound that changes wrought iron to pure gold. MashaAllah.
The seeker continued,
I got seriously addicted to pornography and masturbation a long time back (~10 years). I can’t even count the hours, days, months of valuable time that I have wasted to this ugly habit. So many qada salats as a result. So many missed classes at university. It won’t be exagerration to say that my university grades badly suffered, but Allah was immensly Kareem that He still granted me enough grades to survive and a good job thereafter. I even watched it at work, despite the fear that I might get caught and expelled. It was literally my drug of choice to escape the world’s challenges. A report that I don’t want to write at school, a problem stuck at work, anger at someone. Always found temporary escape in this habit, only to face the realities in tougher circumstances later on. I am extremely ashameful to write this, but even during some fasts in Ramadan, I just gave up to the urge and acted out. I can’t even remember the number of times that I repented. Allah has been immensly kareem that He kept my honour and dignity despite years of being a very bad slave, astahgfirullah. I was and still am deeply shackled. But I must thank Allah that despite extreme desire and abundant opportunities I refrained from any further steps.
But even at that time I wasn’t very willingly doing it. Part of me always wanted to get rid of this habit. I used to give myself this false hope that marriage will end this misery, rather than doing something about it then. And then I got married to a very beautiful lady by the grace of Allah. Of course each person has plus and minuses but she was honestly crafted to my liking Alhamdulillah. But it seems it was too late until then, I was so used to pleasing myself in a certain way that I could not find proper pleasure in married sexual life. In my mind I used to blame her for not being cooperative enough. Even after Alhamdulillah the cutest baby girl was born she was sick for a few months and then ofcourse the new child brought new challenges like lack of sleep which deeply affected intimacy. All in all my sexual life has been in complete disarray. To be honest even during our intercourses I was always thinking about other women. I must also mention that I was also indulged in a greater evil of reading erotic stories. That honestly was 100 times worse than watching porn (which by the grace of Allah SWT I have given up for a long time now). That really made my mentality a lot uglier and I still feel the effect to this date. I can’t even write but the worst kinds of thoughts would be in mind all the time like swinging etc. I always had in my mind the strict Islamic penalties of doing something physical so I just chose to remain in a virtual world.
Alhamdulillah especially since my islahi talluq I have worked on many things and noticed significant improvements, for example controlling my gaze and back biting. One difference I feel between this and the other issues is that despite looking at other ladies or talking about other behind their back being source of temporary pleasure, there is not a strong inherent urge for me to do it. But this to me is like hunger, I just get an extremely strong urge to act out. I will feel pain and weird tingling feelings in my lower abdomen. My heart rate will start elevating and dropping. Sometimes I fight the urges for a few days but then give in. And to be honest its like one of things where you want to give up but at the same time you don’t want to give up. When I tell myself I have to give it up for good, I can’t answer how will I satisfy my sexual urges then.
For a while I did the 8 raka’ats to make up for every time I acted out but then got lazy and stopped doing it properly, or may be it just became a routine. Sometimes I stop doing sincere repentance, as my inner voice says to me, what’s the point when you know will return.
Even during my morning daily routine (zikr, Quran or dua) I just feel the strong urges.
I am so sorry for such a long write-up but I am really writing with a lot of hope inshaAllah. I feel really frustrated. I have felt like a prisoner in my own body for so many years now.
JazakAllah for this open and honest report.
May Allah make it easier for both of us to gain His pleasure. Ameen!
InshaAllah, we will work on it together to improve the conditions.
1.Keep a strong hope that by Allah’s support you will build up powerful determination to get rid of this evil from your life. Mayosi haram hay.
- Make sincere repentance after reading this letter. Pray two rakats salatul tawbah and sit infront of Allah. Acknowledge all the blessings Allah has bestowed on you, like being, body, mental capacities, health, welath, family, job, etc etc. Then acknowledge your short commings. Tell Him that you have no place to go. Tell Him that you are weak and shackled by your desires. You want to give up this and be a obidient servant. Ask Allah for help and support in doing so. Try to cry or make your facial expression like it. Do this is detail. Do it whenever you fail. Never give up hope.
- Then onwards make a fresh start with a renewed determination.
- After every salat ask Allah for help in this matter in particular. Also pray that you develop nafrat-e-tabi’i from pornogrphy (i.e. aversion like that from urine and feces).
- Try your best to keep yourself busy.
- Limit your time on internet.
- Make sure your diet does not have any dubious or haram in it.
- Take your spouse in confidence. Be open with her and tell her that what you are going through and it will be unhealthy for both of you and the marriage and the children if this continues. This will need courage. However, it is essential.
- Talk to yourself daily for 3 minutes about how destructive this is for yourself. In addition to being sinful and displeasing to Allah it is violation of the rights of your wife, your obligations of being a son, husband and a father. It is waste of the bodily resources, valueable time and money. The pleasure it gives is short lived and followed by guilt and shame, etc. etc
- Please, keep me informed whenever you fail. Do not feel ashamed. InshaAllah together we will do it. I am making dua in this regards. Amy Allah SWT help us. Amin!