Category Archives: C. Blame worthy Morals

The bad moral characteristics that have to be removed from within ourselves

Treatment for Pornography Addiction

A seeker wrote,

I am writing in regards to a very serious problem that I reported earlier too. I am feel extremely ashamed to write about this but I have to disclose the gravity of the issue in detail.

Ashrafiya replied,
This feeling, discussion and attempt to improve a destructive condition is in itself a huge blessing of Allah. This is what they call ‘kibreyet-e-ahmar‘ the red sulphur. That is the alchemy compound that changes wrought iron to pure gold. MashaAllah.

The seeker continued,

I got seriously addicted to pornography and masturbation a long time back (~10 years). I can’t even count the hours, days, months of valuable time that I have wasted to this ugly habit. So many qada salats as a result. So many missed classes at university. It won’t be exagerration to say that my university grades badly suffered, but Allah was immensly Kareem that He still granted me enough grades to survive and a good job thereafter. I even watched it at work, despite the fear that I might get caught and expelled. It was literally my drug of choice to escape the world’s challenges. A report that I don’t want to write at school, a problem stuck at work, anger at someone. Always found temporary escape in this habit, only to face the realities in tougher circumstances later on. I am extremely ashameful to write this, but even during some fasts in Ramadan, I just gave up to the urge and acted out. I can’t even remember the number of times that I repented. Allah has been immensly kareem that He kept my honour and dignity despite years of being a very bad slave, astahgfirullah. I was and still am deeply shackled. But I must thank Allah that despite extreme desire and abundant opportunities I refrained from any further steps.
But even at that time I wasn’t very willingly doing it. Part of me always wanted to get rid of this habit. I used to give myself this false hope that marriage will end this misery, rather than doing something about it then. And then I got married to a very beautiful lady by the grace of Allah. Of course each person has plus and minuses but she was honestly crafted to my liking Alhamdulillah. But it seems it was too late until then, I was so used to pleasing myself in a certain way that I could not find proper pleasure in married sexual life. In my mind I used to blame her for not being cooperative enough. Even after Alhamdulillah the cutest baby girl was born she was sick for a few months and then ofcourse the new child brought new challenges like lack of sleep which deeply affected intimacy. All in all my sexual life has been in complete disarray. To be honest even during our intercourses I was always thinking about other women. I must also mention that I was also indulged in a greater evil of reading erotic stories. That honestly was 100 times worse than watching porn (which by the grace of Allah SWT I have given up for a long time now). That really made my mentality a lot uglier and I still feel the effect to this date. I can’t even write but the worst kinds of thoughts would be in mind all the time like swinging etc. I always had in my mind the strict Islamic penalties of doing something physical so I just chose to remain in a virtual world.
Alhamdulillah especially since my islahi talluq I have worked on many things and noticed significant improvements, for example controlling my gaze and back biting. One difference I feel between this and the other issues is that despite looking at other ladies or talking about other behind their back being source of temporary pleasure, there is not a strong inherent urge for me to do it. But this to me is like hunger, I just get an extremely strong urge to act out. I will feel pain and weird tingling feelings in my lower abdomen. My heart rate will start elevating and dropping. Sometimes I fight the urges for a few days but then give in. And to be honest its like one of things where you want to give up but at the same time you don’t want to give up. When I tell myself I have to give it up for good, I can’t answer how will I satisfy my sexual urges then.
For a while I did the 8 raka’ats to make up for every time I acted out but then got lazy and stopped doing it properly, or may be it just became a routine. Sometimes I stop doing sincere repentance, as my inner voice says to me, what’s the point when you know will return.
Even during my morning daily routine (zikr, Quran or dua) I just feel the strong urges.

I am so sorry for such a long write-up but I am really writing with a lot of hope inshaAllah. I feel really frustrated. I have felt like a prisoner in my own body for so many years now.

Ashrafiya replied,

JazakAllah for this open and honest report.
May Allah make it easier for both of us to gain His pleasure. Ameen!

InshaAllah, we will work on it together to improve the conditions.

1.Keep a strong hope that by Allah’s support you will build up powerful determination to get rid of this evil from your life. Mayosi haram hay.

  1. Make sincere repentance after reading this letter. Pray two rakats salatul tawbah and sit infront of Allah. Acknowledge all the blessings Allah has bestowed on you, like being, body, mental capacities, health, welath, family, job, etc etc. Then acknowledge your short commings. Tell Him that you have no place to go. Tell Him that you are weak and shackled by your desires. You want to give up this and be a obidient servant. Ask Allah for help and support in doing so. Try to cry or make your facial expression like it. Do this is detail. Do it whenever you fail. Never give up hope.
  2. Then onwards make a fresh start with a renewed determination.
  3. After every salat ask Allah for help in this matter in particular. Also pray that you develop nafrat-e-tabi’i from pornogrphy (i.e. aversion like that from urine and feces).
  4. Try your best to keep yourself busy.
  5. Limit your time on internet.
  6. Make sure your diet does not have any dubious or haram in it.
  7. Take your spouse in confidence. Be open with her and tell her that what you are going through and it will be unhealthy for both of you and the marriage and the children if this continues. This will need courage. However, it is essential.
  8. Talk to yourself daily for 3 minutes about how destructive this is for yourself. In addition to being sinful and displeasing to Allah it is violation of the rights of your wife, your obligations of being a son, husband and a father. It is waste of the bodily resources, valueable time and money. The pleasure it gives is short lived and followed by guilt and shame, etc. etc
  9. Please, keep me informed whenever you fail. Do not feel ashamed. InshaAllah together we will do it. I am making dua in this regards. Amy Allah SWT help us. Amin!

Islahi emails:TA

The struggle

A seeker wrote,

This is something that I wanted to write about for a while. I am continuing to struggle with dirty thoughts. Many thanks to Allah SWT that controlling the gaze has improved a lot.

Ashrafiya replied,
MashaAllah. May Allah give strength in your determination and make it practical for you to use your will power to stop this activity.

Make dua a lot for Allah SWT’s help in this regards.

Fix penalty for each mistake. Like 4 nafil rakat or skipping a meal.

After each namaz for one minute close your eyes and imagine ,”I’m in front of Allah and He is watching me.” A pratical way is to recite this sentence 33 times in your imagination. It will be approximately 1 minute duration.

I am also making dua especially in this regards.

Also, it will be advisable to increase the intimacy with your spouse.

Islahi emails:TA

Involvement in Islamic Associations

A seeker wrote,

I wish to inquire about involvement in the local Islamic association. As I mentioned earlier the local association in our split into two groups due to internal differences. Unfortunately egos were flying high on both sides and a lot of actions were done in the ‘zid’ of the other party. e.g. One side opened up a musalla and the other bought a house for mosque purpose 1km away. The two sides were also planning to conduct taraweeh literally across the street from each other (which is sad since the resources could have been allocated to help out muslims on other parts of the city). Alhamdulillah a member of our community worked very hard to unite them and convince for one taraweeh salat during this blessed month. I was helping him out too.

I have noticed that in these situations, conflicts, politics, argumentation and other negative characters do arise (even if you try your best to steer away, people will oppose). But on the other hand I feel that if one leaves this completely either things won’t be done or others will get things done their way.

Please suggest a course of action.

Ashrafiya replied,

It is best to keep a low profile.

This does not mean to be totally passive. The correct view/truth should be stated in a firm and explicit way. One should personally stick to it. If people ask his opinion specifically he should tell it point blank.

However, this should not become an agitation movement. This ruins ones spirituality. Instead one should make lot of dua, salat hajjat, etc. for haqq to prevail.

Continue with your present way. Make lot of dua asking Allah for guidance at each and every step. (A concise istekhara dua is: Allahahuma khirli wakhtarli).

However, whenever you feel that this involvement is damaging your spirituality withdraw and help by dua only.

Islahi emails:TA

Excuses

A seeker wrote, I wish to get more detail on one of the reasons “making explanations for one’s mistakes”. Does this refer to explanation in islahi makatib? e.g. if the salik explains why he thinks a certain shortcoming is occurring.
Please explain.

Ashrafiya replied,
Blame worthy thing is to create an excuse for one’s mistake. The mistakes should be acknowledged and full responsibilty taken. If there are genuine circumstance that led to it they can be mentioned as a matter of fact. The same is true for islahi corrspondence also.

Islahi emails:TA

Savings

As seeker wrote,

The book (Imam Ghazali’s Tabligh e Deen/Arbain) has criticised saving money too. The point against is very weighty that if a calamity is destined to come, it will come. Saving money can’t change destiny. And that we should expect the best from Allah SWT. So should we not save anything at all?

Ashrafiya replied,
This has also changed a little bit since Imam sahib ra’s times. As was the eating issue.

In these days and times it is necessary to have some savings after paying the zakah and some voluntary charity (nafli sadqa).
Otherwise, in face of a clamity the first thing a person will let go is his deen.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Earning more to spend more

A seeker wrote,

One thought that comes to my mind is that when you have more money you can give more too for the betterment of humanity and muslims in particular. Please comment.

Ashrafiya replied,

Not necessarily. Many become more miserly and some waste their money on haram.

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Love of the worldly wealth & status

A seeker wrote,

Some questions that come to my mind are as follows: How should it translate into the effort that I put into my job. One behaviour that I see people adopting is that they become workaholics, put extra hours, sacrifice their life, family etc. just to go up the ladder. The conclusion that I came to is to work with due diligence from 9 to 5 (because I am atleast accountable in the herafter for this time that I am getting paid for). Please suggest the correct behaviour here.

Ashrafiya replied,

This is correct.

Going out of the way to earn more money or status by comprising one’s deen (taking care of family is wajib) will be blameworthy love of the worldly wealth and status (hubb e maal/jah).

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Envy

A seeker wrote,

I feel that I have envy against the religious groups that are flourishing but are not correct according to our ideology. I have discussed this earlier but since I read the topic on Hasad I realized that its perhaps hasad (so I thought I should mention it again). e.g. If I hear about a certain group having a big conference in which many poeple showed up. I will have a feeling wishing that these people don’t show up in such numbers.

Ashrafiya replied,

Make excessive dua for them after each salah and admonish yourself for having these thoughts.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Anger

I wish to understand the limits of anger. I, like typical people find myself angry at wife and friends, at times. I have noticed that you need some degree of anger to keep the order intact. I will try to explain with an example. Before my wife and I used to be routinely late. If we had told someone that we will get there by 2pm, we would be like 2 hours late. Many times we couldn’t get things done because of being late. I had to display anger at my wife many times to tell her that this is something unacceptable and Alhamdulillah things improved a lot. There is one thing though, I used to (may Allah SWT have mercy on me and my wife) shout at my wife before. Overtime Allah SWT gave me the
realization that there are other more civilized ways of demonstrating anger. Now I just try to state my purpose in a firm (not loud) tone and try to appear upset. Please suggest the right behaviour with respect to anger. Is it just
for establishing deen. How about establishing an order in your life.
e.g. I was listening our Hazrat db’s lecture in which he mentioned an incident where Hakeem ul ummah RA got upset at someone using the toilet’s slipper to get into the masjid. Now this act is perhaps not sinful in Islamic terms but Hazrat RA wanted to maintain an order in his khanqah. Please help me understand the purpose and bounds of halal anger.

Ashrafiya replied,

No anger is halal for inept like us.
Anger is a sign of kibr for us.
It should be avoided all together.

For maintaining order be firm and clear but polite. Do not be angry. Recite auzobillah, drink cold water and think about Allah’s hilm on one’s self in spite of all the misbehavios. Condone others short coming. Remind yourself that you are not there to do islah of others.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Hearing yourself being praised

I thing I like being praised by others. I get a feeling that I tend to do things so that I am praised. When I am actually praised by others (beshuk tamam tareef sirf Allah SWT ke liye he) it gives me a sense of satisfaction (not sure if its satisfaction or pride) but it does motivate me to do more. And definitely I get an un-easy feeling. But overall I feel that I get a feeling of pride in me. Please suggest a course of action.

Ashrafiya replied,


It is quite natural to feel like this. This is unintentional and so not blame worthy in itself. However, if left unchecked it may lead to ujub and kibr. So at these occasions one should thank Allah that the people only observed and reported the good things about me and Allah hid my reality, mistakes and sins from them by his karam and sattari. Moreover when the marifa is achieved and one comes to realize his actual state this praise will feel like a joke and a mocking.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Inquisitiveness

A seeker wrote,
I really want to hear things about other people. Although I tell others not to tell me but somewhere inside I want to hear it (the exact disease that is mentioned in the book).

Ashrafiya replied,

Being an unintentional desire this is not a disease by itself until some thing extra ordinary and sinful is done to achieve this.Consider it to be wrong and sinful desire and remind yourself of its uselessness.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)

Mental Backbiting

A seeker wrote,

Can you please explain the details about “Dil se gheebat”. How to diagnose it and how to cure it if its present. A lot of the times the thoughts come to mind. I thought just keeping them to yourself and not saying to others is fine. But by this term it seems like even the thoughts are wrong.

Ashrafiya replied,

This is to intentionally think bad about some one. That is, things if he was to be informed of it he will be upset.
It is an intentional action and remedy is to use one’s determination (himmat) not to do it.
Also, one should develop this habit that on this thoughts one should intentionally think and remind himself of being the most lowly creature on the face of the earth. And admonish one’s self of doing this gheebat and make dua for that individual.

Islahi emails:TA

Reviewed and approved by sanadi wa sanadi Mufti Mohammed Taqi Usmani (Allah protect & preserve him)